Grief is a heavy thing, and when someone we care about is going through it, we want to say the right thing. But it’s not always easy to find the right words.
So if you’re supporting a grieving friend, family member, or colleague, here’s some guidance on what to say—and what to avoid.
What to Say
“I’ll call you on Friday to check in.”
Instead of the vague “Let me know if you need anything,” be specific. Offering concrete help—whether it’s a call, a coffee, or running an errand—makes a real difference.
“I’m so sorry” or “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Simple, heartfelt, and always appropriate.
You don’t need to have the perfect words—acknowledging their loss is enough.
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
It’s okay to admit that words fail you. What matters is your presence and support.
“I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but I want to help in any way I can.”
This acknowledges their unique grief experience while offering support without assumptions.
“Would you like to talk about them?”
Some people find comfort in sharing memories. Giving them the space to do so (without pressure) can be very healing.
What NOT to Say
- “They’re in a better place.”
Even if meant with kindness, this can feel dismissive. The person grieving likely just wants their loved one here. - “Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase, while well-meaning, can feel like a slap in the face to someone in deep pain. Grief doesn’t always make sense, and trying to rationalise it can be unhelpful. - “At least they lived a long life.” “At least you had time to prepare.”
In face anything that begins with “At least….”
Grief doesn’t work on logic. No matter how long someone lived or how expected their passing was, the loss is still profound. - “You’ll feel better soon.” “Time heals all wounds.”
Grief has no set timeline, and hearing this can make someone feel like they’re expected to move on quickly. Instead, let them grieve at their own pace. - “I know exactly how you feel.”
It’s not about you. Even if you’ve experienced loss, every grief journey is unique. It’s better to say, “I remember how hard it was for me, but I know it’s different for everyone.”
What You Can Do Instead
Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. If you’re struggling to find the right thing to say, try showing your support in other ways:
- Drop over a meal or send a care package.
Practical help is often more appreciated than words. - Send a thoughtful text or card—just to let them know you’re thinking of them.
- Invite them for a walk or a coffee, with no pressure to talk about their grief.
- Continue to check in. The hardest time is often after the funeral, when the world moves on but their grief remains.
- Offer to help with their kids, pets, house-cleaning etc.
Final Thoughts Grief is messy, unpredictable and deeply personal.
There’s no magic phrase that will take away someone’s pain, but showing up with kindness, patience and a listening ear is what truly matters.
So if you’re ever unsure of what to say, just remember—less is often more, and presence is everything.